Half an Update....

So as apposed to many of my other posts I have some new interesting things to talk about...

My life has changed drastically since about a week ago.. I feel like my life now is more hectic because I don't have days upon end to sit and think of everything I would like to and do anything I could come up in my head to cure myself of boredom. I have a real job now that doesn't consist of twiddling my thumbs wishing I was busy. I am BUSY all day and it's crazy. I never thought that actually staying and being consistently busy all day could be so tiring. Instead of leaving my job being so tired after doing nothing all day I am actually tired because I have been doing something all day. My days don't drag and I also have a smile on my face most of the day. (Even when I have mean customers)

The other great thing of this new job is I get off at 5 instead of 6. Most people would say that it isn't that much of a difference but to me it is. It's instead of walking into work with it being close to dark from the night before and walking out at the end of the day and it actually being dark for the current night seeing very little day time it was depressing. I leave at 5 and it still feels like I get to enjoy the last part of my day. Anyways, that was useless rambling about the time.

Friday night I got to enjoy for the first time ever Karaoke. It was so much fun and although I didn't have the guts to get up on my own and sing I sang with a group of people. I wish so much that I had the courage to sing on my own because it's one of my favorite things to do but unfortunately I am not that confident in myself. Maybe a couple more trips to the Karaoke bar will do the trick.

Saturday I went to a formal Christmas party which was a little out of my element but also so much fun. I wore a fancy dress and high heels which I never do. I don't understand how people wear high heels all the time. By the end of the night my feet were ready about to fall off.

Sunday went to church and watched football with some of the pps from small group. It was so much fun!

Christmas is right around the corner... I can't believe it.

I really do have more to say but my fingers are tired from typing. So, more later!

Today is my lat day at my company. A short Saturday, I still can't believe I'm leaving. It kind of makes me sad but I feel like I need a change in my life and I hope this will be a good change. I'll feel a little less like a professional grown up considering I'll be able to wear jeans to work every day now. I'll no longer have to be subjected to wearing slacks and dress clothes. Although, I have come to the realization these past three years that my work clothes are something a lot more comfortable than my street clothes sometimes. I'm looking forward to the new challenges that are going to be coming up.

Seth is still out of town and I'm starting to really miss him. This is the first time that we've spent this many days apart since we've started dating. I missed him on Thanksgiving, I missed him on Friday night, I'll miss him tonight and still tomorrow. I cannot wait til he gets home.

Kayla is staying strong on her break-up and I hope she continues too. She needs a good man that will love and respect her. She's been in this deep depression that's really been bumming me out. I know break ups are hard but I hope she snaps out of it soon!

Christmas is coming so quickly! My Christmas present to myself this year... New snow tires.. Hardly exciting at all! I wish I didn't need a car, that would clear up so many unwanted bills!

next month I will finally be an I phone owner. I have been stuck with a blackberry for the last several years of my life and although it's a good phone I am jealous of all the cool things that IPhone can do. I want one SO BAD. I've been quite patient about it though. I've waited for almost a year and a half to get out of my contract. Patients is becoming a great part of my life. If I wasn't working on my patients I would have already broken my Contract and switched carriers but I'm trying to be better about these things.

I bought a dress last night for the Christmas party and I love it. I'm a little worried about it but it's not tight and not to short much like most of the dresses these days. As I was searching I was feeling hopeless because I feel like the look these days is either skin tight and short or huge and resembling to a bag lady. I found one in between and bought for the first time a pair of heels. I actually really think they go well together. I am excited!

Life is always changing. I used to avoid this like the plague but I'm learning that change is good and necessary! I'm looking forward to all the life changes that will be coming up this next year.~

My time here at the Credit Union is coming to an end. It's weird considering I have been here 3 years this month. I'm hoping it's a good change.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm sad I don't get to spend it with Seth but, he is needed somewhere else this weekend. It will be good to spend time with the family.
Kayla broke up with her boyfriend after a long year of fighting and ridicules issues. She's having a hard time with it and I feel sad for her. I'll be here for her with whatever she needs. I want to make this as easy as I can on her. I know how this feels.
Christmas is just about a month away and I haven't even started shopping. Maybe I'll get the courage to go out on black Friday... Maybe not. That all depends on how I'm feeling at 12:00 at night! It might be an adventure.
Seth is on his way to California, I pray they have a safe drive. I'm going to miss him.

I feel like life has slowed down a lot since the summer, and particularly October. Instead of being insanely busy we often wonder what we are going to do or fill up our time looking at houses. We both equally can not wait until we have our own. For me, it's not even a house right off. I just can't wait to have my own place, my own space, my own stuff. I share everything which is how it's been most of my life but there is a point in someones life where sharing everything they own gets a little old. For the time being though, it must work.

This is the second real snowfall of the year and as much as I hate snow I hope this sticks around at least for Christmas. I really don't remember Christmas last year even having snow on the ground. It wasn't til January til snow poured on us. This Christmas is going to be fantastic.

I can't wait til New Years! New Years day me and Seth will have been together for a year. It seems silly to me to be so psyched for this but this is the longest consecutive relationship that I have ever had and I know that it is never going to end. We will celebrate many New Years but the first one is always the best. I'm just so blessed to be in such a solid, loving, and real love relationship. I've realized in my life that some people throw that word around like it means nothing. I didn't know what it meant to truly love someone until this year. I thought I did but I didn't.

I think it's funny how movies skew your perception of real life. They make us want things that are truly not tangible. We strive to make them close though. The thing is, the movies, they aren't real. They are just that, made up and a story line. I would prefer far more to live in reality than in some sappy made up love story.

So, I put in my two weeks today at my company.
It was one of the hardest things I've done in a while.
I'm sad but I am excited for this opportunity.
I hope it's the right one.
I'm excited for a new journey in my life.
I've been saying I need a change for a while.
Well, here it is. I'm going to make the most of it.
There are many changes happening in my life currently.
There are things that are becoming more and more important every day.
Trying to be responsible with my finances so things can happen
It seems so easy
To not spend money you really don't have on things that you really think you should have
but it's kind of hard.
I used to be a compulsive buyer and I'm doing better
with only weeks of practice.
I'm encouraged and life is moving along quite nicely.

I love the first snowfall of the year
there is quite everywhere
and the way snow glitters on the ground
before shoe prints impact it
a snowflake falls and lays
next to one completely different
and it's a beautiful day today

There is a happiness that has overtaken me...
I can't explain it but it's such a comforting feeling to me.
I think about things that are coming up in the future and I can't keep
my heart from feeling like it's going to burst out of my chest.
I'm working on a project right now that brings me so much joy
the past year of my life has been the most rewarding, loving, and best
year that I have ever experienced. No more looking down on life
because I've realized that there is nothing to look down upon
there are trials and things that sometimes aren't the best
but to let them ruin your days is pure craziness.
I no longer look at the glass half empty
and I have loving caring and good people in my life that I can count on
I have changes coming up in the near future
that I am ecstatic for and the patients is wearing on me
but it will be here before I know it and it will be the best day of my life.

The holidays are here and I am not prepared but I'm so excited.
I remember when I was little and it felt like Thanksgiving and Christmas
where never going to come. As I get older though they creep up on me
and before I realize it they are here. I am already starting to Christmas shop.
I am so excited to give Seth his gift and I hope he likes it.
New Years will be here before we know it.
Jan 1st is our one year anniversary and I can't believe it.
I can not wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I feel like I'm starting over with my goals with the gym and eating healthy. I don't  know really what happened. I know that it had been a couple weeks since I had made it to the gym I just didn't feel like my body had taken that much of a toll. Looking in the mirror though it seems like it has. I'm unhappy with the way I look right now. This needs to change. Nov 1 was a start over and I pray that I stay consistent and am able to get back to where I was.

Nov 1: cardio 30 and weights
Nov 2: cardio 20 and weights

School is so overwhelming right now. I can't wait til this semester is over. Only it will start again shortly after that.

This Halloween was kind of a bust... Friday we went to a Halloween party which I thought was fun. Seth hates Halloween but ended up dressing up anyways. His Costume, I though was awesome. Sue from Glee, it was hilarious. I was a lady bug which was cute. I woke up Saturday morning at 4:30 in the morning wishing my life was over. I felt awful. My nose was running, cough, sore throat, it was pure hell. I called into work, drank a gallon of orange juice by myself and ate oatmeal. I did go to church which was good but I had a hard time focusing. This was about the highlight of my weekend. The rest was spent in my room in my bed.

Thursday Seth moved out here to SL, it's nice having him so close. Weird that he's living with 3 boys, boy conversations are so weird and sometimes so boring. I'm happy though I hope he can adjust.

I can't believe today is Halloween. We are going to my grandparents and I can't wait to see the little kids in their costumes. It's going to be so cute!

November is tomorrow and I'm not ready for it. I have to start buying Christmas presents and I'm surely not prepared. This year has been so expensive and my finances have taken a dive. It's a scary thing.

Mine and Seth's Year is coming up on January First. I can't believe that we have been together that long already. It doesn't seem like it. It's great though and I'm loving every minute of it.

I got my hair done on Tuesday... I can't decide my feelings... Some day's I think I maybe like it but most days I'm not a fan, neither is my boyfriend, and not many others. I guess that's what you get when you think your being a little daring. For the time being I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

Tomorrow is the last day of our rock solid class. It's sad cause we've had some very blessed, intimate, and very beneficial conversations due to this class. That doesn't mean it has to end of course I just don't think it's going to be as often.

It's Friday, even though it doesn't feel like the weekend to me. We have church, birthday's and more birthdays.. How is it possible that we've been attending birthdays for the past at least 6 or 7 Saturdays. This needs to change, it's exhausting.

I should find out today about the position I interviewed for on Wed... It's so nerve racking waiting for the call and I have mixed feelings about the whole situation.

School is impossible and I want to stop going.. but I couldn't do that to myself.

After about a week in hiding, which consisted of hiding under blankets from the world, I still don't feel refreshed. At least I don't think so anyways. I don't remember much of the previous week. Just a lot of pain, soup, pills, and warm applesauce. When I woke up on Thursday or Friday, can't remember which, I was disappointed. Where did my week go? It went nowhere.

This week though I turned in two of the biggest projects for my classes. I'm not sure how confident I'm feeling about these. Although they weren't my best effort they were still done exceptionally well... I think anyways. Guess we'll have to wait for the grade. I just need passing grades, that's all I ask.

I feel bad for the girl who hates her life. She tells me day after day how she is nothing and she is doing nothing. And I say to her every time, why don't you change things? Why don't you end a relationship that is toxic to your life, why don't you go back to school because it will basically cost you nothing, why don't you do something. Why don't you do something more than just sit around with your boyfriend getting yourself into all kinds of trouble. Why don't you....

Things seem to be slowing down. Our last day of our rock solid marriage class is Saturday. I have to miss the end which I'm sad about but at least I get to do half. I've enjoyed it and have learned a lot through it. Just one more thing to check off the list to get married. It still doesn't seem real... yet.

High possibility of moving branches. We'll see how this goes. I'll be a lot busier which is good. I'll be closer to the city... which I hate.

Went to the Rock star Show at Usana last night it was a blast... Concerts make me want to go to more concerts. I am currently dying to see:

Paramore
The Killers

I would love to see again

Three days grace
Seether
The Hush sound
Basically any band I enjoy listening to.

I love concerts!

Day Dreaming....

I find myself day dreaming more often than not. I try not to but I can't help it! There are so many things to day dream about. My head is filled with images of different kind of futures but all are similar enough. Just things are changed and tweaked... They are comforting thoughts and I can't wait til they are reality. I'm feeling impatient... very impatient on whats coming up in the near future....

Just a little Recap of the weekend....

Friday we went and got Curry... again. I think it's going to be our new Friday tradition maybe switch it up sometimes though and get pho.. I had so much this weekend. Dinner Friday night, leftovers for lunch the next day, Saturday night when we went to Pei Wei (totally spelled that wrong I think) and then they had chicken curry sandwich's at the reception. To much! Anyways, so Saturday we went on a bike ride that literally almost killed me. We biked up Wasatch which was so hard. I ended up having to walk my bike up the hill for a little ways. It was fun though, I love doing these kinds of things. We went to church and then we went to dinner with Tim which was fun. Sunday We went and picked out a baby gift for Wesley and then we went and looked at the house Seth was considering moving into and guess what.... He is now for sure! I'll talk about that more in a second. I then had a baby shower and then went to Seth's sisters birthday right after that. Sunday evening was relaxing. We watched Grey's and Private practice and I was in bed by 10:30. It was nice. Now it's Monday and it's dragging just a tad but positive thing is that by Friday I will be free from work for 9 days. Oh I'm looking forward to that day.

So, Seth decided to move in with some guys from the church. They all seem like good people, I don't know them very well yet. I am so excited for this though. It is going to be so nice having him so close to everything. His job, friends, me, church, and everything else. One thing I'm excited for him though is that he will actually get to spend time there. Right now he is home very rarely. To sleep on the week days and for a couple hours Saturdays and Sundays. I know it wears on him and this should relieve stress in his life. This is going to be a good thing I hope, for his sake.

This week is going to be interesting and fun. Today I don't really have anything going on so that's nice. Tomorrow is school, work, and then taking Jess to a concert. Wednesday work then house church. Thursday Kay is getting her wisdom teeth out. Friday I have family flying in from California and Seth is also playing a concert in Provo. I really want to go but I'm not sure if I can. :( He said it was okay if I missed it but I hate missing things that he's doing. Maybe there is a way I can go to both. Saturday we have two weddings and I think that's about it. Sunday hopefully is a free day and maybe if the weather is nice we can do something. We'll see :)

This week the temp is dropping. I have so many things I want to buy for this fall but money is kind of tight with school. I can't wait though to be able to wear fall clothes. It's going to be great.

I know sometimes I'm hard to deal with, I'm working on that. I'm being taught an important lesson on patients and oh my is it difficult. There is and has been wedding talk in the air and I can't help but look forward to this. It's weird to think about cause looking back on my life I never felt like this was going to happen. It's happening though, and there is no hesitation in me. This is the lesson on patients. If I could I would love to be married tomorrow but realistically not possible. I need some patients and counsel in all these areas.

Last night we went and got Curry and I just can't explain how much I LOVE IT! I think I want this to be a tradition. Fridays are either Pho night or Curry night.

I don't really have much to write about today for some reason. Usually the words are just spilling from me. I haven't been feeling a 100% lately though and maybe that's why.  

I officially had a change of mood today. I am still slightly tired but I think that's due more to the caffeine pick me up that I've decided to abandon in the mornings. This month has gone so fast and I can't believe it's over. It's not even our "busy" month which is next month. We had some things going on but October is bringing us much more. Couple baby showers which it exciting, (I love shopping for baby stuff), couple weddings to attend, Seth is playing in a concert, I am getting my wisdom teeth out, and I could probably going on. My change of mood came when I realized that it's only 9 days until I have a little over a whole week off. Now, that's when I'm getting my wisdom teeth out but it's still 8 days without having to drag myself out of bed, get half way ready and go to work/school. The awesome thing is as well, is it is fall break so no school either. I shouldn't be down for long but I will be swollen and not wanting to go anywhere. This is going to be a time to Veg for one and catch up on things. I won't be getting to stuff my face either which is good.

I'm trying to cut down on my caloric intake especially when it comes to sugars and sweets. I can't believe what I've let myself fall into. I have trouble going a day without eating some sort of cake/candy/ice cream/ donut, you name it. It's kind of depressing actually I'm just fortunate that I haven't blown up like a balloon... Yet! This is a time to change the patterns... I want to look good when I get married don't I?

News that Kay might be moving out. Sad, but so good for her and me. Since she doesn't see a wedding in her near future it makes sense for her to move out. A little disappointing that no, I won't be getting the basement to myself for the time being but whatever. I'll move into the bigger room where I won't be bothered as much. I am however going to be insanely jealous that she is living on her own doing what she pleases but my day will come. 

School is starting to drag which is what I expected. It gets hard about 2 or 3 months in. I'm still staying on top of things and I haven't fallen behind I just have to continue this. I don't want to play catch up, as hard as it is to stay motivated it's worth it.

I think Seth should be moving down here soon if I'm taking our conversation the right way and I can not wait. It will be so much better to be closer and for him to be able to save money and relax a little more. I was just thinking the other day and I know I'm lucky but I have never dated someone who lives so far away from me. I don't know how "long distance" relationships work, I don't think I could handle it. I see Seth everyday with some exceptions but I just don't know. I don't know how I would deal with not being able to see him often. I applaud those who have had, gone through, or still going through a long distance relationship. (Random thinking)

Last night I had the most unsettling dream. I've never had a fear of losing someone so dear to me and right now on some days it seems to be smothering me. I try and not think about it because it only brings stress but my dreams won't let me. When he's by my side I never have these but when he leaves they come back and they are vivid.

Last night I was so tired and I didn't even feel it until I laid down to watch a movie. Didn't even start the movie and I was out like a light. I think that was about 10:30 or so. It was strange. I think the stress of school, work, and always going is catching up to me because some days I don't feel like moving. I am so Happy though and so content with things. Things are moving along and they are great.

We went to this little hole in the wall restaurant last night and let me tell you, it was freaking delicious. I'm really liking the different things we try because I've realized that most of my life I have been missing out. Curry is my new love and also Pha? I think that's how you spell it. I don't know how to explain it but Seth would say "it tastes like Christmas" which is amazing. Maybe I'm more obsessed because I've only tried them once but I want more. They are GOOOOOD.

Things are going well. Seth should be moving down here in about a week or so and I am so psyched for this. I hate his long drive homes at night. It kind of scares me. I think him being down here will alleviate stress for sure. I'm looking forward to this.

This weekend should be good. Tonight is my Grandpa's birthday and I am excited. Tomorrow is church and then hanging out. It should be good, it should be chill, it should be relaxing. I'm looking forward to it.

So, my cooking skills surely are expanding. My goal is to get really good at it. In the past few months I have made fajitas, breakfast burritos, banana bread, this chicken and rice bowel, and so much more. I never really thought that I would love it as much as I do. It makes me feel excited for when I'm married and can cook consistently for someone else. I'm bound to get so much better.

This weekend was so much fun. It started off on a shaky beginning but went absolutely fabulous. Saturday we went to a birthday/ house warming party which was fun. I'm really trying to be more social in my life. It's a tough thing but it's getting easier. I never really realized how much this was an issue in my life. Today we went on a random adventure. I couldn't sit in my house for another minute so I suggested we take a drive up the mountains. It was amazing! We visited a waterfall that I frequently go to and after that ended up at donut falls. It was such a beautiful hike. I really want to do the whole hike and make it to the top. I think we're going to go back next Sunday and do it. The leaves are changing and they are so pretty. I kept a few from our hike and put them in my scrap book. (I know I do weird things) I'm looking forward to next weekend.

I can't believe tomorrow is already Monday. I'm not ready to go back to work but I am never on Monday. I just hope this week goes quickly. I can't believe September is almost over already. It just blows my mind! The year is coming to an end and I'm excited for things to come....

Some Pics from our hike

 There was so much cold in the air last night.I left thinking a Jacket would cut it but unfortunately I was wrong. We didn't make it to the Fair like I had hoped. It was mostly my fault because I couldn't stop changing my clothes and pacing back from my room to Kayla's. I hate those nights that your so psyched to go out and when you are getting ready nothing seems to look good and the night changes to draggish. It's the worst. We did end up going to see contagion last night which was good.
 The weekend has started for me ( a day and a half ) which I could say I wish it was more but I'm lucky I at least get that. It seems like there are so many things to fit into one weekend. I really want to go to the fair and I really want to go hiking and we have parties and practice and all of this. Just so many things. I think I'm going to hang out with Kay and Anthony on Sunday to watch the game and I think it will be fun. I love watching football and I have to keep up on my fantasy :) I just wish Seth was going to be there!

Things may never work out the way we think or the way we think we'd like them to but, they always do work out and when you realize that you don't make the calls and you don't get to decide 100% percent of everything thing that happens in your life you become more content.

Old memories surfaced today unexpectedly and it was a challenge for me. I was really encouraged this morning at school for whatever reason. As I was sitting there in class day dreaming just a little, it occurred to me how I can sometimes be so disorganized. I made a plan in my head to come home and literally go through everything up and down. I was feeling pretty psyched. Although it takes much energy I love deep thorough cleaning/ throwing out old junk that clearly isn't needed. I don't get to do it much cause I don't have that much time in my days. Anyways, so there I am walking in to Walmart kind of distracted by different things but trying to stay on my path of where I was going so I wouldn't buy unnecessary things when I look up and there he is. My heart sunk and I felt like I might have puked. I continued to walk and we walked right past each other with out saying anything. Which in my opinion I preferred. I don't know if it was the right thing but it was better than standing there having a conversation with someone you can't forgive. (I know not a good thing) I was so caught off guard that even though I went there for a couple of things I grabbed the main thing I needed and got the Hell out of there. Some would say my reaction to this situation was un called for but I don't.
I was feeling better when I started my journey on de-cluttering and cleaning. As I was going through things I found some things I wish I didn't have. A reminder of the past that I thought I had forgotten and gotten rid of, but I hadn't. It put a damper on me. I keep every card that I recieve from someone for some strange reason but it's days like these where there is some good to this. In my frustrated mood and all around interesting morning I picked up a card that in that moment was just what I needed to hear. From the person who I love more than anything in this world. The words on the page softened my heart and it was the best thing in the world. These are the times where I realize that the little things in life are so important. A valentines card down the road can raise someones spirit who's having a bad day.
I ended up cleaning for about 5 or 6 hours straight and although I'm so damn tired right now I feel accomplished. Things are clean, the walls are bare ( I took all my posters down) and I feel content. I wanted to box up the silly childless things that reminded me of my past. Not that I don't want to look at them from time to time but this is the time where I need to start building my adult life and stop hanging on to childish things. I don't know if I'm making sense but it sounded better in my head. Anyways, that was my day. It's been good and productive.

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm so happy. Looking forward to doing some fun things and hanging out with fun people :D

I'm trying to give up coffee, in the mornings it's really hard. I feel tired and I want to take a nap at my desk. I have no energy and I actually really don't like it. The benefit of giving it up though is that my afternoon headaches seem to have lightened and sometimes I don't even get them. It's kind of nice!

There are so many things to look forward to. I can't believe September is half way over. It feels like it's just started! I can not wait until October though. I love Halloween, it's my favorite holiday :) I'm getting my wisdom teeth out next month also which I'm not to stoked on but it's about time I get them taken care of. My old softball coach is taking them out which is truly a blessing because he says he'll take whatever the insurance pays for the procedure. I probably couldn't afford to get them taken out otherwise so I'm counting my blessings for that. I have a couple wedding receptions to go to next month which is exciting and I think that's about it. My excitement mostly stems from Halloween. Oh, and that the leaves are already starting to change. I plan on hikes and being outside this fall!

I'm looking forward to this winter. By the end of the summer I'm usually looking forward to the cold weather. I want to try and go snow boarding a couple times and definitely can't wait for sun dance in January. It's going to be great.

School is already getting old. I love school but have lost some of my motivation for it. I hope I can find it soon!

For some reason lately I've been thinking a lot and have come to the realization that I can not WAIT to have my own life. I love love love my family and everyone in it so much but I want my own space, my own house, my own clothes, my own shoes, my own life. Is that such a terrible way to think because sometimes I feel like I'm selfish because I feel like that. It's not that I don't like sharing it's just that no matter what I have it never seems to be my own. I've lived like this my whole life and I guess it never bothered me up until this point. The fact that when I need quiet I don't get quiet because a radio is literally blasting in the other room or the fact that I can't cook whenever I want (I've come to quite enjoy cooking and want to try much more) or that when I just want to be by myself it's impossible.  I'm not trying to complain I'm just more or less saying that when that day comes when I can live with me and the person who I love most, it will be the most amazing feeling ever!

The weekend was good. t was a two day weekend which I don't get much anymore but it went by so fast I really don't know how. It was fun though and had a lot of good company. We went and saw a movie with some people from church and it was so fun. It feels so good to be invited and just to feel like you have friends in the church. I guess this is a foreign feeling to me because I've never been close to people in church in my life. But it's nice to surround yourself with good people. It makes me feel more grounded.

I'm seeing more and more changing leaves every day and it makes me so happy. I bought some boots today and I have never been more excited to buy anything in my life. I know know know I shouldn't have bought them considering I'm dirt poor right now but sometimes I have this little problem with buying things I know I really can't afford. That's why most of the time I stay as far away from the mall as I can. It's not a good place for me. I was fun though however, again great company with great people can make things so much more fun.

I hope this week goes well. It is a short week considering we had today off so we'll see! I should really be doing homework right now but I think I'm going to go to bed. I really want to try and go to the gym tomorrow morning. I need to get my act together in the health and fitness aspect of my life.

Things are going so well in life right now. School has started and it keeps me busy. I'm enjoying it! Sometimes my days roll together and I have a hard time remembering which day it is but I do a good job at figuring it out. I'm trying to take school more serious than I have in previous classes. I've just realized that I need to work hard and actually learn and take anything I can from the class I'm in. This is one of my first semesters of paying for multiple classes on my own and I'm finding out how tough it is. The first payment of my tuition wiped me out. Not to mention the books, the web page codes, the parking pass, and I'm sure I'm missing a couple other things. I don't know how people do it, especially those who make much less than I do. It's stressful but I'm doing my best to manage and stay away from stressing about it. Not to mention the help that I have which makes most of it possible.  I'm better off than a lot of younger people who are in my type of situation.

I'm trying to work off my debt that I have acquired in the past couple years. I wish I didn't make some of the decisions I made in the past years of my life because I guarantee that my financial situation would be far different but I guess the only thing I can do now is continue paying what I can and NOT acquire anymore. It's an adjustment.

Fall is right around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. The mornings are cooler and it feels so good to walk outside. The temperatures are dropping which means the leaves will be changing soon. I know it's silly to be so excited about such a small things like the leaves changing colors but I just can't wait. I love hiking at that time, it's beautiful.

Cloning?

So, I'm doing a little studying and right now I'm reading about Cloning and it is one of the most unsettling things I've ever read. I just honestly can't believe our world has really come to this. I'm wondering if anyone is surprised by this or feels the way I do. I've never really been to interested in this subject or anything else that goes along with it because in all honesty it scares the hell out of me but it's now a required chapter of reading that I have to read. Why does the human race think this is okay? Who gave us the right to mess with human life. I'm pretty sure no one did.  I could certainly go on but I have to get back to studying...This sure has put a huge damper on my night.

A little girl that I didn't even know blew me a kiss today.. It was probably one of the cutest things i've ever seen :)

I've always wanted to live outside of Utah. Somewhere warm and preferably with a beach. Who wouldn't right? However, stories that are surfacing in the news make me feel content in staying right where I am. I feel like Utah is probably the perfect place to live in some instances. One to be specific... Natural Disasters. I don't ever have the worry of my home blowing away in 90 mile an hour winds or it being swept away by tsunami waves. The biggest worries I can face are probably a fire, which I hope to never have, an earth quake, flooding, which so many people have experienced lately, and maybe a couple more. I just feel a lot safer here than the people in other parts of the world going through what they are going through now. My heart goes out to them because I don't know what I would do if one day I had a home and the next day all my personal belongings and the place I called home was taken from me. Not to mention the danger, having that chance to lose someone close to you who you love. So, all things considered... I think I will not be wishing I lived somewhere else, especially close to the beach. I think I'll be content in visiting...For now :)

Why is that we as people, even though we know something may be good for us and we know it will make us feel better tend to do the complete opposite. For instance, I'm in a downer mood today. I can admit, and I have been all day. Don't know why, it's just one of those days. I listen this morning to good uplifting music while i'm getting ready (casting crowns) and it lifts my spirits ultimately making the morning better. Why can't I do this every morning? Usually what is happening is I put on something that might be a tad harsher that ultimately ends up bumming me out more. Another big example... I'm tired all the time. When I feel like crap I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I go to the gym for an hour or so I will feel better. I know this from expirience. So, why wouldn't I do this all the time and why is it still SO hard for me sometimes to go to the gym. I'm not sure if i'm making any sense right now or if anyone else feels this way or has this problem...

Anyways! I hope this weekend is a good one. Started off tonight once again as a bummer. I get to sit home by myself which I hate doing, especially on a friday night. I work tomorrow morning which i'm not to psyched about but pretty used to it at this point. Then come home and keep myself busy until my friends birthday.. She's turning 21 and i'm so happy for her :) So, we'll meet there at about 6 stay there for a couple hours and then we have another birthday right after that. It should be fun. That's about all that I have planned for my weekend so we'll see what else happens. I really hope things slow down just a tad this fall, I feel like there is always something going on. Which is fine I just wish I had a couple free nights just to chill. I'm sure i'll have many of those in days to come. Well about now i've kind of exhausted my words and should probably stop complaining :) Tomorrow will be a better day!

It seems like no matter how much sleep I get or don't get I'm always tired. Sometimes I feel like fatigue is taking over my life and I'm not sure how to kick this. It takes so much energy for me to do things. It's so strange. I'm wondering if its summer allergies. I don't know but I'll be glad when they are gone.

Last night we went on a hike. It was AWESOME. Perfect view and it wasn't to hot. Good work out too.

School started this morning and it was also fantastic. I am a nerd and I love going to school. I'm only taking two classes, English online and Intro to Social work which is in class. I have a feeling that my social working class is going to be absolutely amazing. I can't wait to dig in to the material.

I talked to Seth about me taking a trip to California with a friend and it still amazes me every day how supportive he is about basically everything. He has so much good incite on things and it makes it so much easier to fully trust when I know he only has my best interest as an individual and our best interest as a couple in mind. It's comforting.

I'm going to be getting baptized here soon which is interesting to me since I've been going to church for my whole life. I'm excited for this.

Tonight we are going to the Twilight concert. It's the last one of the year. My teacher this morning made me laugh when she said "Do you ever feel like Summer has come and gone and you've totally missed it?" In all honesty first thought was YES but thinking about it, I've done more this summer than I have in quite a long time. I guess it would have been considered spring but went to California, have gone quite a few hikes, couple jogs outside, went to Lagoon, BBQ's, birthdays, and so much more. For once in my life I feel like I can finally say I've been pretty productive summer. As it's coming to an end I can't help but look forward to the fall. When we were hiking yesterday I saw some leaves already starting to change. I love it.

It's only Tuesday but I feel like the week is already coming to an end, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. Today I have a funeral which I'm not to psyched about but who ever is? Then tonight I'm having dinner with a friend. It's going to be fun and I think we'll have alot of good conversation. Tomorrow I hope to do something fun with Seth cause I won't see him for a few days. Well 5 to be exact, which sucks! Thursday is lagoon which I'm so excited for. It's been ages since I've gone to Lagoon. Friday I don't know what the night will bring and Saturday I hope to hang out with some old friends. Life seems to be flying by which is kind of comical seeing that I just had a conversation the other day about time moving slowly. I guess you just never realize. 

- School is going to be starting up again soon which i'm excited about. Every semester I tell myself that " I think i'll take the next semester off" but god knows if I did I wouldn't know what to do with myself. 

- Seth is leaving for California in just a little over a week and even though he's only going to be gone for the weekend i'm so bummed about it. I'm going to miss him. He'll have fun and i'm glad for that i'm just selfish sometimes in the thinking that I want to always be with him and spend time with him. We need time away sometimes, a healthy seperation... Why is that so hard for me to practice? 

 

I've said this before but i'll say it again, there are so many things to look forward to within the year. The biggest and most important change that will happen in my life, continuing school, meeting new people, seth hopefully moving down here to sl, and so much more. I'm looking forward to fall weather when I can wear cardigan sweaters, boots, and jeans again without feeling like i'm going to die of heat exhaustion. It's going to be a good fall and winter. It feels like the year can't come to an end fast enough but I know that's just me right now, it's going to come before I know it. I just need to be a little bit more patient. This month is kind of like the waiting month. Nothing is really going on this month. Waiting for school to start, I always look forward to it starting in the fall. Once that starts I think things will start moving quicker. It will be nice.

There are so many things to be excited about here... I was told that I need to stop worrying, finally someone tells me some good advice. I do need to stop, it's going to age me quickly. It makes a person tired and lonely when they worry, constantly of what others thing and what's happening in life. I'm in a rush for things that shouldn't be rushed and it's causing me to worry more. I need to take a step back and enjoy the little things that make life great.

Matched:

I really enjoyed reading this book, it was heart turning. At first when I started it I was unsure, but I fell in love with it the more I read it. I couldn’t imagine living in a place where your thoughts, actions, what you do, who you marry, what you eat, everything, is chosen for you. I can imagine that I would feel so numb, knowing that I could not make decisions for myself. For a slight second in the book I felt like maybe it would be cool, but then I thought, why would I want to live in a world full of robots where anything and everything is decided for me. There would be no purpose in life. I like how Cassia’s grandpa instilled the idea in her to fight. Fight, to make her own choices and although I felt bad for Xander in the story, I could feel Ky’s and Cassia’s true love. It’s sad they were moved to the outer provinces of the farm land but awesome to see people in Cassia’s live able and willing to help her find Ky, wherever he may be.

Crossed Sequal Nov 1 2011

This weekend was awesome...
Friday we went to a wedding, I love weddings and can't wait til I have one of my own.

Saturday was awesome too.. We went to Fats played pool and ate really delicious food. I loved it.

Today which is Sunday was also a lot of fun. We went to Rory and Amy's and they made us DELICIOUS eggs and muffins. I have never done something like that before but it was so much fun. It's nice to be in other peoples company and talking about random things and having a good time. We went to Seth's for dinner and played scategories, which I suck at. It was still fun and his family reminds me so much of mine. It's great.

I'm ready for bed it's getting closer to midnight and I should have been in bed about 9 minutes ago. Sleep needs to be a bigger priority in my life.

Random Thoughts.....

This weekend sure was a good one. Fun with the family, the boyfriend, and fun at the game. Lacking sleep is something i'm sure not use to and i'm having a hard time. I don't know how people live off no sleep. I can't function. It's 8 minutes away from thursday and I don't remember much of my week. The vivid parts are sitting at my desk trying not to fall asleep.

I feel broken some days but sometimes it's a good broken.. I think. I feel like crying alot more, but not because i'm sad. I choke up at the small things, like broken hearts in silly TV shows. Is this a wierd thing? I think so...

It's time for a day off, which is what tomorrow is... From Everything. No work and No school. I might actually do absolutely nothing.

I feel a little guilt about this mess i've gotten myself into. I'm falling into old habits and treading a thin line with some of the choices i'm making.


The Sun is always shining here...

Memories

I took a trip down "Memory Lane" as some people would say. Some parts were comforting and others were not so much. From infancy to adolescence is documented in a picture book that was given to me by my parents on the day of my Graduation. They day that life became real and wasn't so much of a game anymore.

Where does time go? And how did I manage to find myself in this situation I'm in. I never thought I would make it to the age of 21 in the darker more dramatic part of my life. Life didn't seem easy most of the time and I thought that it wasn't worth the work. Here I am though 21 looking back on my life and it's completely amazing to me the things that have happened.

Memories and pictures of childhood make my heart melt because those times were priceless. Childhood was absolutely amazing for me. I had friends and the biggest worry in my life was who I was going to hang out with at Recess. Could life ever go back to being that simple?

My adolescence was a different story. I put myself in the most horrible and self destructive path that made those years something that I wish I could forget all together. I look back on the photo's and the girl in the photo is not me. She is a sick girl, that always had a pretend smile on he face. She spent most of her time being "sick" and striving to be "sicker" than any other person. Self pity was her best friend and she fed off it. I look at that girl and think what a sad situation she made of her life in that moment. I'm wondering if there is any benefit from that period.

My light during that time was softball. I was good and strived even with everything else that was going on to be the best. And I was. The best of friends, the "trio" Me, Kayla, and Kenna. You could always count on us to be together and tight knit. We loved every minute of it. Softball was our life. Never thinking that we would actually miss it as much as at least I do now that I don't get to play it everyday. It kind of shows me how I took advantage of that in my life. And so now I take every opportunity to play.

After high school I struggled a great deal to "find myself" but never did. Do we ever "find ourselves" as some people would say? I sought comfort in the relationships and almost made the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know what changed my mind, maybe God, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

So this brings me to my current situation where I'm sitting here thinking.... I can truly say, and I haven't been able to in ages that I LOVE MY LIFE. Yes, I still continue to go through trials and have my crappy days but I have realized that I have people in my life that I love and that I can enjoy things with. How many people can say that? There are people out there who have no one and don't have the support that I do. I've realized the self hatred and self pity that I had been living with for years did me absolutely no good. We have our WHOLE life. We have times of trials, happiness, sadness, anger, and so much more to experience. I have so many things to look forward to in my life that have yet to come.

Encouraged by the teaching Saturday night, makes me realize I do not take correction well in any area's of my life. Something I could stand to work on.

I'm completely burnt from head to toe and in some pain. That's what you get from neglecting to wear sun screen. The only thing I can hope for is it to turn into a tan :)

I'm kinda flat today. I just feel a little drained from the weekend. I want to work on eating better. This weekend being continuously pointed out that I eat to much sweets was not a good feeling. I need to better some other area's in my diet that I cling onto and for some reason just can't let go. It's getting better though and I can only hope that it continues too.

This weekend was so much fun. I felt like a little kid again playing Dance Dance at nickel mania but it was so much fun. The wedding on Saturday was very pretty and nice and made me think of all the things that I want and want to do when I have a wedding of my own. Then hiking which was a challenge but was so much fun. Flooding Sugar house park after that which was interesting. I've never seen so much water at a park. Church, like I mentioned before was encouraging and then Sunday being at the pool all day which resulted in my sun burn. It was an awesome weekend and I'm looking forward to more fun ones exactly like this one.

I do however have this feeling, I don't know what it is and I don't know why I have it but it's been making me worry literally about everything that's going on. I hate when I get these uncertainties in life. It makes things very unsettling. All I can hope for is that God will guide me and take these feelings away. Trusting him.

Your beauty unfolds

Like the sky parting

To reveal its tragedies,

And she only cried

For a minute

Your love is inconsistent

Like the rising

And falling

Of  tides in the ocean,

But she gave it her all

Kept tiredly trying

To convince herself

But like a tree

In the wind she swayed,

Hoping not to fall

Chained to the feelings

That kept her bound in the night

And you’ll never know

These feelings she felt

While you were holding her tight

SCHUYLAR CROOM

He is Legend

Letter to a Gypsy

Guard your comfort my dear, guard your heart,

as the sailor takes locks of hair,

and prisons a piece of cloth or picture.

The wealthy have overbought and undersold their memories.

Even if they duplicate your treasures,

they still will never love them

for the reasons you have learned to love them.

It’s a painful mistake on her part,

to try and become someone just because that someone may

be happier,

prettier, truly more free.

But she will not learn that.

And out of everything you can give her, you cannot teach her

to love herself.

She is Midas in a world of unpolished gold.

And you are a goddess with no care for shiny things.

Be flattered my dear. Because your beautiful soul is sparkling

never the less.

And she sees it.

And can’t stand that with all of her riches she can’t by your

happiness.

I think you are the kindest soul I can’t ever meet.

And if guarding your simple joys is the only wrong you are

doing

then I think you are more noble than I.

You deserve your treasures,

and a true gypsy would never let them out of sight.

I will give you a chest with lock and key.

And I will help you fill it with goodness.

If you don’t want me to know where you have buried that, I

will respect that too.

Just remember that no money can buy a shovel long enough to

dig down into your heart.

Hell or high water my love.

You are so big in my world

My heart feels heavy tonight I have no idea why at this moment.

I've been super encouraged lately to be kind and loving. I notice stuff all the time now that I wouldn't have before. I can sometimes judge people a lot and when I catch myself I wonder why? Why do I feel the need to make assumptions about people that are probably far from true?

My aunt’s eyes were completely yellow tonight, which is never a good sign. Mom said that is a sign of your liver failing. I feel for Richard and his family as well. How can you go from fine one day to seazuring? Then to find out he has cancer too, in his brain where there is no fixing it. I just don't understand. I don't understand at all and it makes me want to crawl into my bed under my blankets and never wake up again. I couldn't imagine being in either one of these families heartache right now because I know I feel like mine is unbearable for them right now.

Although there is so much pain in this world god has still brought me so much happiness. I have never been happier in my entire life. Things are going so well and I am such a lucky girl. I thank god for everything and everyone he has given and brought into my life. I truly could not be more blessed.

From the Long Sad Party: Mark Strand

Someone was saying
something about shadows covering the field, about
how things pass, how one sleeps towards morning
and the morning goes.

Someone was saying
how the wind dies down but comes back,
how shells are the coffins of wind
but the weather continues.

It was a long night
and someone said something about the moon shedding its
   white
on the cold field, that there was nothing ahead
but more of the same.

Someone mentioned
a city she had been in before the war, a room with two
   candles
against a wall, someone dancing, someone watching.
We began to believe

the night would not end.
Someone was saying the music was over and no one had
   noticed.
Then someone said something about the planets, about the 
   stars,
how small they were, how far away.

I figured i'd take this break time from my studies to write some things i've been thinking about today. I was going to try and take a couple classes for the summer but I think i'm reconsidering my decision. Although, I would like to I don't want to have to worry about the monthly payment for just a couple months in addition with all my other bills that I feel are consuming my life. I pray to god I get my finances under control.

I keep finding myself getting lost in music. In my car to drown out all the stresses of life and my thoughts I turned the radio up and just listened, right now to erase the numbers and math formulas that are clouding my mind. I came home and my mom was watching "of mice and men". I do like that show however, I have a hard time watching it without this devastating feeling of sadness that consumes me every time. So I plugged my headphones in and listened to music once again to drown out the sound of the saddest part in the movie. I've realized I like to shield myself from things that make me sad because the feeling is unbearable to me. I HATE the feeling of being sad. It may be wierd to say but when you have had your share of sadness, hatred, and self pity (which i'm not proud of) you don't want to find yourself feeling that way ever again.

I think i'm going to go watch Jess play today which is nice because I never got to see here play. Which means I should start chipping away at this math review again. :(

I’m watching the show “coming home” I’ve seen the commercials but have been hesitant to turn in on considering my eye’s instantly tear up whenever I see them. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t take anyone for granted in my life. I want to live every day to the fullest with all the people I love and care about.

I have such a blessed life. Of course there are things that I wish I could change but those are just minor things. I spent this morning at church first in service second in the pre-k room. Service was amazing, about trusting god. Which I think we could all take some lessons on not to mention I got to watch my favorite band. Second service I was in the Pre k room and even though I only had two kids in there I realize how much I’m going to miss it after this month. Those kids just put a huge smile on my face. The way they literally talk about nothing and are so rambunctious and funny, they melt my heart.

Then there was lunch with the girls and the most supportive person I’ve ever met. He listened while we talked about Grey’s and crying at silly episodes. It was fun.Took a couple hour nap which was good to relax. Did some other things and went for a walk. The sun was shining and we walked down the street to butler. It was the best part of the day. We sat on the swings like little kids and I just took it all in. There were no words, I just listened to all the noises around me. There was a slight buzzing noise coming from the school and I could hear two small girls playing somewhere in the distance, the sound of the wind blowing and a basketball bouncing on the ground, which was going flat if I might add. There was a light creaking noise coming from the swing that I swayed in. His make no noise as he sat there still. We made our way to the playground and it reminded me of being a child. Those innocent days, I miss them so much sometimes. Then we sat on top of the monkey bars like grade school kids talking until the wind started and the cold settled around us. It sounds silly but those are the moments I live for. You can gain so much perspective and so much clarity by doing simple things like that. It clears my mind and I feel like I can face many more days.

I love my life, I love God and what he has given me, and I love the people in my life.

Some things i've been looking forward to for.. Well a little while.

*Waking up in the morning and not having to wonder if it's going to snow
It seems like this has been the longest winter, stuck inside the four walls that are all to familiar to me.
*The sun's warmth on my skin
Being outside where the sun is streaming down from the sky, these are the moments I feel my best
*Camping
For some reason the idea of pitching a tent (even though we don't even own a tent) and being outside is so comforting to me
*Growing relationships
A goal to build strong relatioinships I think would be beneficial for me
*Getting closer to God
Having God as the foundation in my life will better all the area's I feel I need to work on.
*SOFTBALL
I can not wait to feel the dirt under my cleats again and to play the game I love.
*Hiking
With the people who are closest to me

There are so many more that I probably have failed to mention. I just can not wait for the summer!

So You Say by Mark Strand

It is all in the mind, you say, and has
nothing to do with happiness. The coming of cold,
the coming of heat, the mind has all the time in the world.
You take my arm and say something will happen,
something unusual for which we were always prepared,
like the sun arriving after a day in Asia,
like the moon departing after a night with us.